Reading: Dil Chahta Hai
Sons & Lovers
I could see that my circumstances were not as hard as some of my peers.
So why did only I fall off?
I went on asking myself such questions as I kept sinking into a deep, dark hole.
How did I even get here?
Wanting to know what had brought me to this dreadful place, I began to examine all my life decisions.
What if I had dropped out of college?
I went as far back as my early childhood and sat down there. This was not a place where I made the decisions. But then, I had siblings who were also brought up alongside me but they haven't fallen into any hole.
So, why am I the only one sinking?
I was in a classroom reading a course on Child Development when light fell on this.
Growth of a child is affected by the twin factors of nature and nurture.
Nature is how we inherit a unique combination of genes from our parents and this separates us from our siblings despite having the same set of parents.
The way we are brought up, our schooling and other childhood experiences form the crux of nurture. Once again, siblings brought up in a similar way by their parents still turn out differently.
It's an interaction of both nature and nurture that make us who we are.
***
In 2021, when 'Dil Chahta Hai' turned twenty, I rewatched the film and not surprisingly, there was so much more I could appreciate in this film rather than simply enjoy it for the sake of nostalgia.
When the film was released in 2001, there was much talk about how little the parents (of the lead characters) had to do in this film. In comparison with the overbearing presence of parents in the Hindi films of the 1990s, there were no growling fathers or weepy mothers here.
But then, the storytelling is so nuanced that the 2-3 scenes in which the parents do appear, they tell us a lot about their parenting and how that might have affected in the way the main characters - Akash, Sameer and Sid - turn out as grownups.
*
The first time we see Akash together with his parents is when the three of them are eating silently at the breakfast table.
‘Have you thought about your future?’
The suddenness with which his business tycoon father shoots this question at Akash and the way his mother silently nods along says a lot about the relationship between the three of them. As always, Akash uses humour to cope with this situation. At the end, all his mother says is, ‘Dad is serious about it, and so should you now’. There are no endearments used to convince Akash to move all the way to Sydney to run the company office. His father declares that his decision is final and leaves the room without even waiting to hear out Akash.
In frustration, Akash says ‘shit!’ and immediately apologizes to his mother.
And she walks out without saying anything more.
*
One day when Sameer steps out of his bedroom, he finds his parents’ friends Naresh Uncle and Aunty in the living room. When Sameer’s father finds out that Sameer is going out, he simply turns towards Sameer’s mother and stares at her. She immediately takes Sameer by the arm back into his room and informs him that Naresh uncle’s daughter Pooja is expected to drop in at any moment. And that both sets of parents wish that Sameer and Pooja get to know each other.
Sameer right away says that he does not even believe in arranged marriages.
But his mother does not let him off so easily. ‘We are not forcing you to get married. We have known them for years and we wish to turn this friendship into a relationship. That’s all! Now you won’t lose anything by meeting her, will you?’
And when Pooja drops in, Sameer’s father asks Sameer to take her to his room to have a chat. Sameer’s father then turns to his friend to ask, ‘Hope that’s okay, Naresh ji?’ Once it is agreed, Sameer takes Pooja to his room while the parents look on with some relief and satisfaction at having stage-managed this ‘meeting’.
*
Sid is shown lying down on the couch reading a book while his mother has his feet on her lap and massaging them. After college, Sid is pursuing his painting career and is gone for months attending workshops. His mother takes this opportunity to broach the topic.
Maa: ‘Siddharth, have you thought about marriage?’
Sid: ‘Not now, Maa. Some other day’
Maa: ‘Why some other day? Why not now?’
Sid: ‘Let it be. You won’t understand’
Maa: ‘Then help me understand. I am your mother after all. If I don’t understand you, who will?’
Sid: (no answer)
Maa: ‘Do you like someone?’
Sid: (no answer)
Maa: ‘Sid, what happened? You’ve never hidden anything from me till now’
Our early life experiences with our key caregivers shape our expectations – consciously and unconsciously – of what to expect from relationships throughout our lives. Attachment Science came into being in the 1950s and many studies have since been conducted to develop four categories of attachment styles that most of us fall into. Avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment style, secure attachment style and disorganized attachment style.
Attachment style shapes how much we can trust others, whether we fear abandonment, and whether we keep our distance from others – or push them away – to avoid intimacy.1
**
Akash is usually found in his room with his gadgets.
A number of scenes take place at Akash’s home but his parents are hardly present. Whenever his friends visit or phone him, it’s always the helpers who are around.
He seems to be the wealthiest of the three and the leader of the pack but he is always upto pranks and is probably still seeking attention. Humour is how he copes with life and that is what lands him in trouble with Sid, but then, that is also what Shalini finds appealing in him. He is able to make her laugh and lighten the mood even in stressful situations.
Akash confesses that his love affairs never progress beyond two weeks. His ideal girlfriend would be the one who ‘lives her own life and lets him be.’
Akash avoids intimacy and is even unable to apologize to his closest friend for a long while - and even then, he does it over a phone call.
*
Sameer is first seen with a girlfriend who tells him to break way from Akash’s company. He is worried sick for being in such a situation and is unable to take a stand.
He is always quick to apologize. Once he says sorry twice to Pooja for asking a personal question and she has to say ‘It’s okay’ two times to pacify him.
Sameer’s parents know him well enough that they are able to arrange for him to meet with Pooja without even checking with him beforehand.
Predictably, he joins his father in running his business.
Even after Pooja breaks off with her boyfriend Subodh, Sameer is unable to share his feelings with her. He confesses to Sid, ‘I have been lonely since both you and Akash left town. And I slowly began to enjoy Pooja’s company. Now if I propose to her and she rejects me, I will be left all alone once again.’
Sameer fears abandonment and was the most anxious of the three when Akash and Sid have a fight.
*
Sid seems to have been brought up by a single mother. Maa is usually around whenever his friends come visiting. She gets terribly upset when she learns about his feelings for the much older Tara and they even scream at each other.
Sid is always shown offering his emotional support to help Sameer navigate through his confused feelings. In that memorable scene in Goa, he is consoling Deepa when he holds up a fistful of sand and shows her how the tighter he holds it, the quicker the sand slips through his fingers.
His feelings for Tara upsets Tara just as much as it upsets his mother. Sid is his usual calm self and first gets her to sit down. He then sits in front of her and apologizes for upsetting her. ‘But it’s true that I love you. I am not sorry for that. It’s also true that I never wanted you to know about it. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I just want to see you happy. And if knowing the truth has caused you pain, that was not my intention.’
When he returns to his mother, he falls into her lap, and they make up just as easily.
Sid is completely aware and secure about his own feelings, about his relationship with his mother and offers that same stability to his other loved ones.
**
In one of the most widely read essays on the New York Times website - ‘Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person’, philosopher Alain De Botton posits that we seek to recreate our childhoods in our adult relationships because everything we know about love and being loved is what we have learned from our parents and the way they showed their love to us when we were children. And that is the kind of love we seek out in our adult relationships – especially from our partners.2
It is a cliché that men want their women to be like their mothers and women want their men to be like their fathers. Even if the parent was aloof, overbearing or abusive, we seem to be drawn towards such partners in our adult lives because this is what is familiar and hence, oddly comforting to us.3
**
That is probably why Akash prefers to keep it casual and Sameer is always pushed around.
And Sid does fall in love with a single mother.
Both Akash and Sameer get lucky by finding women who are similar to them and not their parents. Shalini was orphaned when she was little and understands loneliness. And she wishes to heal from it by getting married and building a stable family life. Just like Sameer, Pooja is also with a partner (Subodh) who takes all the decisions for them. And her parents nudge her into meeting Sameer despite them knowing about her relationship with Subodh.
Once the romance wears off, it is not unlikely that Akash might revert to his avoidant ways.
While Sameer and Pooja might continue to be pushed around by both sets of parents.
*
The good news is that we need not stick to our attachment styles forever.
And the first step towards finding a way out is by knowing about attachment styles while also reflecting on how we show up in relationships.
In the podcast with Mel Robbins, Dr Marisa Franco informs us that attachment style is a spectrum - no one is fully anxious, no one is fully avoidant, and no one is fully secure.
We could also be anxious in one relationship and secure in another. Although, on self-reflection, we might be able to see that we do have a dominant attachment style.
‘Our attachment style impacts how we give and receive love and thus our ability to build healthy relationships with other people.’
***
Do you like yourself?
Do you have close friends who you can talk to?
Such questions from my therapist compelled me reflect on myself.
During a life crisis, the easiest and the most self-defeating response is to assign blame on others - inherited trauma, imperfect childhoods, indifferent friendships, manipulative partners, toxic workplaces and so on.
While all of this may be true, we can make lasting change when we take responsibility for ourselves.
Becoming aware of our default attachment styles can help us make better choices - managing our own lifestyle, switching to careers that suit us, setting expectations and boundaries is our relationships.
Dr Franco says that building a secure relationship with oneself is a necessary first step in improving other relationships. Even if we didn’t feel secure during childhood, we can now take good care of ourselves to make us feel more and more secure.
Ten years back, I was not feeling secure in any relationship but now I have a few circles where I am absolutely secure. I have switched careers to a space that does not make me anxious. And in my other relationships, I consciously try to be the one offering the secure feeling.
I do get triggered from time to time in different ways. But I now have discovered some self-care habits that help in pulling myself back. Going for a walk, journaling and writing, talking to friends and taking therapy are some ways I keep a check on myself so that I don’t sink into any hole ever again.
We don't have to continue to operate from the attachment styles that have been given to us. We can find a way out from our default settings to improve our relationships with ourselves and others and thereby enhance our own wellbeing.
I hope this can be the starting point for some of you.
Postscript:
I was at the Engineering college between 1997-2001. Campus fashion trends everywhere followed the popular Bollywood films of those times – notably ‘Dil Toh Pagal Hai’ and ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’. Imitation branded wear with labels loudly displayed became aspirational. By the end of my second year, I was wearing 3-4 silver rings on the fingers of my right hand and a chain of beads around my neck.
I remember ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ was one of my last movie outings with my friends from college – before we went our separate ways.
Much has been written about the ways in which this movie heralded the 2000s. It showed what the future was going to look and feel like.4
My favourite anecdote from the making of this landmark film is about the title itself. When writer-director Farhan Akhtar thought of ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ (My Heart Desires) as an option, he bounced it off with his father, screenwriter-lyricist Javed Akhtar. And Javed Saab just didn’t get it! He felt the line was incomplete. ‘Simply saying My Heart Desires is not enough! You have to go on and say what your heart desires.’
That is how new all of it was!
So wholesome, Karthik!
This is a stunner of an essay.
Loved reading this one! Using DCH as an example to explain attachment styles and diving deep was brilliant!!