Make Space

& hold on

In about a year's time, I have lost two people. 

Both were young men in their twenties and both seemed to be doing well in their chosen careers. But they could not go on any longer and decided to end their lives.

In both cases, I had met them some months before at separate public events. We had shared updates, made small talk and moved on.

If only we could see how people are struggling inside. I am sure we would all sit with them for longer and ask them about their troubles.

**

It's a little green leaf and weighs next to nothing. The Sun shines on it all day, the breeze makes it flutter, the wind blows it this way and that way, and the raindrops make it droop under its weight.

But leaf doesn’t come off so easily.

**

In May 2021, bang in the middle of second wave, I was staying with my parents as my mother was recovering from COVID. It was the time when I had gotten off Twitter but I had a scrolling habit to keep up with. Every now and then, I would go through WhatsApp status messages. That's when I saw this message posted by an old friend from school. 

I took a few deep breaths before calling his number. Firstly, I was relieved to know he was not ill and there was no medical emergency. He was living by himself and had begun to feel the weight of the distress all around him. We spoke for an hour and he openly shared the personal and professional challenges he was facing. At the end of the call, he told me that he felt much better on having talked to someone. I remember feeling a lot lighter too.  

It was a rare moment of openness and vulnerability that we men were not used to.

The pandemic had pushed us to the brink and made us reach out to each other in desperation. The emergency situations we were going through had also made it acceptable for us to reach out for help - for hospital beds, for medication, for oxygen cylinders and even for food supplies.

Last year, I was listening to a poet speak on a podcast and she sounded dismayed at how the world seemed to carrying on as if nothing ever happened. We hardly ever look back at those years to talk about all that we went through, what we lost and how it changed us.

Asking for help is definitely one habit we could have brought with us to this post-pandemic world. 

** 

My brother visited me last week and we sat next to each other for more than one hour. He asked about my wellbeing and I mumbled back some answers. I have been unsure about my feelings lately and I am also being vary about sharing those thoughts in my present state of mind. So we sat through long minutes of silence in between some talking.    

While growing up, we have never seen our elders sit together and share their troubles with each other. About ten years back, it became necessary for the two of us to start conversing and figure out our way through the big life decisions.  We are still not sure how this talking is done but I am proud of us that we have not given up.

What we have now is this space that we are holding for each other.

**

In April 2019, I sat in the front row making notes when Prof. Amita Dhanda from NALSAR University of Law give an insightful talk on Mental Health by looking at it from many perspectives – policymaking, healthcare, human rights and community wellbeing.

She spoke about how mental health is often mistaken for mental illness and this is the biggest hurdle for people to open up about their difficulties. Along with the stigma, there is also the cost barrier to approach a mental health practitioner. By not addressing our mental health challenges, we are allowing them to fester in unhealthy ways and over time, this could isolate us from our loved ones.  

Prof. Dhanda shared about how in the LGBTQ community, it is the community which makes it safe for a queer person to come out of the closet. She suggested that it is time we build similar peer support communities among our families, friend circles and colleagues which make it safe for us to share our mental health difficulties.

She further added, ‘When peers come with the good intention of supporting one another, we can create a space of equality where no one feels lesser than the other. The solidarity of such a peer-to-peer support group is based on mutual vulnerability.  And the strength of such strong bonds is transferable to the other functions (or roles) of the group.’

Prof. Dhanda concluded by saying that - as a country, we cannot afford to wait for healthcare to solve the problem of mental health. Which means, we don't have to wait for the day when the government will provide the mental health services that we are in need of. Instead, we can build support systems within own communities and make space that anyone could reach for.

**

Today being World Mental Health Day, here is a poem from me:

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Postscript: If you have ever wondered why in a patriarchal society such as ours, the Indian man is silently suffering - you could listen to this episode of The Seen and The Unseen podcast where

Amit Varma

interviews Nikhil Taneja of Yuvaa: https://seenunseen.in/episodes/2022/11/14/episode-303-the-loneliness-of-the-indian-man/

I could completely resonate with Nikhil’s life experiences.