I took this picture while I was on my way to the university campus. I took it as a sign.
Once I reached, I saw some some people who seemed liked staff members at the foyer. I asked them for directions to the Admissions office. I wondered if they might be thinking that I was there for my child's admission.
When I was seated in front of the Admissions officer, I played with a straight bat - 'Hi, I wish to apply for the MA in Education course', I stated.
At the end of our chat, I asked, 'I am 38 years old. Do you think there is space for someone like me in this environment?'
‘Yes of course’, she assured me saying there were many who join mid-career and promptly shared the phone number of a student who had left his IT job and was currently pursuing a post-graduate degree at the university.
I later understood that the campus was unusually bereft of students at that time because it was the semester break. I am not sure what effect seeing the campus buzzing with younger people would have had on me that day.
**
On day one of the Orientation week, as I was walking into the classroom for the first time, that iconic scene from the film ‘Munnabhai MBBS’ (Hindi, 2003) was playing in my head where a room full of fellow students stand up to greet the much older Munnabhai assuming he was their teacher. I sensed a few heads turn as I walked to the back of the room and found an empty seat and acted cool about it.
I had suffered from premature greying since I was 10-11 years and I started to lose hair while I was still in high school. During those years, I had become accustomed to having all eyes in the room trained on me - that's how it felt. It had slowly waned away as I had grown into my new personality of maintaining of a shaved head from my early 20s. After all these years, that old feeling had returned. The classes and readings were deeply engaging. But I didn't know where to sit or who to talk to during the breaks. I began to have serious doubts whether this course was worth my time. Or if working on the field was a more suitable option for me. I held on to these doubts even as I was enjoying my academic work.
The orientation week was full of activities designed to facilitate interactions among the new batch of students. During this time, I realized that almost everyone else was unsure of themselves too. There were many students from the hinterlands who were overawed by the campus environment. They were especially nervous about interactions because they were not very comfortable conversing in English. I somehow became the person introducing myself to my fellow students and asking them about their lives and how they found their way to the university. And I shared my own story with them. I don't know what they thought of my story but it was enriching for me to get to know them better - their backgrounds, their inspirations and all that effort it had taken to reach university.
I remembered how when I was in my 20s, all I had learnt from my environment was to score well in exams, get a high paying job and get away for a better life abroad. That is what being successful meant. And here were young people who had experienced poverty, discrimination, even exploitation, and had decided to do something about it. All these interactions helped me get over myself and get attuned to why I was there in the first place - to help children.
**
University life wasn't without awkwardness. For months, I kept meeting fellow students who still thought I was a faculty member. I would get a sudden 'Hi Sir' from somewhere.
Once when I was chatting with a fellow student, she realized something and said, 'I'm sorry I've been calling you tum, whereas, I should be calling you aap, right?' (In Hindi you is said in two ways - an informal tum for peers and a respectful aap for elders).
All through the first semester, I kept getting asked 'How old are you?', 'Do you have kids?', and so on. I learnt to see the funny side of it. When I was in school, other kids made fun of me because I looked older. But here, I was actually older.
**
Joining university was not part of the plan. A whole lot of things had to go awfully wrong for me to find my way to that campus. In my earlier stints at other colleges, I had felt like a misfit and had mostly kept to myself. Now, I wanted to make this experience count.
I enrolled for the Peer Support Group and got trained as a peer supporter - the first line of support for anyone in the student community facing challenges with their mental health.
One day, someone found an injured dog on campus and a group of students attended to it. We found that the campus lacked any emergency response protocol for injured animals. This led us to form a students' group that would respond to injured/sick animals with funds raised from the campus fraternity.
I made it a point to attend every lecture, every seminar, every performance and every protest meet.
By the time I was in my second year, I felt like I belonged there. It was the most unlikely time and place to feel that I was being accepted as I was.
Post-script: the university recognized the value of diversity and it was at centre of everything being done there. The student community regularly celebrated that diversity and also routinely reflected on it: 'Are we being inclusive enough?'
The same student community challenged me as well. 'We are accepting you as part of us. But are you accepting yourself? Why can't you let go and free yourself? What is stopping you from joining us on the dance floor?'
I realized there was always space for me on that campus. It was me who was hesitating to occupy it. Once I dared to become vulnerable, I was able to bond more closely, commit to friendships and relish those fulfilling relationships.
**
I was a grown adult when my younger cousin taught me how to float on water.
All I had to do was let go.
This essay was written at the Ochre Sky Memoir Writing workshop conducted by Natasha and Raju, in response to the prompt - ‘When I crossed the border’.
This is so well-written and personal yet it applies to so many experiences. Especially coming to accept and respect oneself in new settings. When I went to get my JD, I was only a few years older than most students, but the person who topped my class was a woman in her 40’s, with two children. I’m wondering now what it felt like for her those many years ago. Thank you.
Your writing is so uplifting and empowering, Karthik. I love reading the essays in every form they appear before me. 🌻